My brother and his son. This nephew just turned 2, handsome devil ain't he?



Nephew numero uno. He is 6 years old now. We drew in my sketchbook during the wedding ceremony and made up games during the reception.

balancing boxes

fancy spoon balancing

dicot doily

Someone stole my secrets and took some of them to the UK

Last night I stumbled across Nigel Peake, again. He has been featured on My love for you , and wooster collective and fecal face just had a snippet of his new book recently. If you know Laura , you know what I'm talking about.

+waking up at 6:30 am
+ drawing again
+determined to empty my desk of it's contents and put all that paper to work
+ New fridge
+ bike ride today after work
+remembering my PMA

guide to lasting contentment

Oh. I feel like I've been in the depths of my own personal hell these last few weeks. Just dredging it all up and diving into that wreck that was my heart.

so here are a few things to remind myself what is good and true and worth it.

+ go for walks or bike rides in wild places, pick up a stick, throw rocks, listen for birds, climb trees, find secret places with stories and history. This is my ground, my childhood is rooted in such acts and thus doing them centers me again.
+ just pay the extra dollar to dry your clothes in a drier. I've been hand washing all month, and while I enjoy the time physically handling my clothes in my big basin sink, I can't stand waiting for them to dry.
+ buy a good new pair of shoes. I'm usually very sensible when it comes to spending money on shoes. but I needed a good pair of lace-ups for biking, and found the magic pair pictured above , as well as some ladies Jack Purcells. Spendy? not as much as I expected. Worth it? absolutely. I 'm in love every time I look down.
+ go out with your polaroid camera, buy some film. Yes the film is spendy these days too. but the whole act of popping open my land camera and wandering with my eyes open, finding the right spot , feeling it out, oh it makes my fur bristle with excitement, my dulled artistic senses come alive.
+ stock your bookmark bar with blogs of inspiration. We live in the digital age. and everyone is documenting their lives, their loves, their tragedies and joys, we get to cast this wide net out, connecting with others and sharing what we bring to the table on an international scale. this is rare and lovely and heartbreaking all at once. As an artist it feels like tiptoeing on some grand edge. what will come of all this sharing and opening up of our live?
+ feeling proud from a distance of your family and friends. Aurora had a birthday recently and while I was so depressed I couldn't get anything in the post to her in time, I thought a lot about how she has been such a big influence in my life. She is one of the dearest. and I wish I could send her a photograph of Eric and I laying on his brightly colored quilt on our backs looking at the ceiling, and lamenting over her recent tragedy. I love you Aurora, you are a hard working woman, you've grown so much in the time that I've known you (5 years!) You are open to new and embracing of change and it makes you magical. You are one of the strongest I know.
+ read good books. Anne Lamott came to my rescue, as always.
+ be a writer. because getting it all out, without your edit button on , feels so very good. Take it bird by bird.
+ Frozen yogurt. I'm not one for binging when depressed. I very rarely crave sweets anymore. Last night I walked around with some good lady friends, looking at artwork and we stopped in at a make it yourself yogurt place that charges you by the weight of your creation. Oh man, yummy goodness. a nice heaping helping of whatever flavors I want with whatever toppings I want, for $2.18. You can not go wrong. It felt spoiling and well deserved and may have tipped the bucket of my depression, leaving it a smattered mess on University Ave.

p.s. a note on my house. I realized this morning that my house has become a center of ideas. I'm surrounded by good things, so much that I had to build a fort just to hide from them.

depressed mess bitter face attracts, depressed mess bitter face.
I'm making it a goal to not be such a depressed mess face.
jokes, smiles, friendly faces, big ideas, hard work, pleasant hellos.

holy coincidences

+finding a magical stand of white sycamores , each over 100 years old.
+ Old oak canopies and secret river beds
+polaroids coming soon
+ learning how to knit, finally.
+ making something every day
+fighting like a brave, tooth and nail.
+ dreaming of living in the city. SF. sooner than I realize.
+ working for it.
+ moonlight
+ meg sleeping on me
+ stretching in the morning

Take it a little at a time and ease myself out of this.

This city is killing my soul. I noticed that I am scowling more and more, saying Fuck my life more and more and when I have had a drink, I don't really want to stop. It takes so much energy just to try to not feel this way and I feel like I can hardly replenish myself. Hiding out in my house making things with a major sense of urgency just to keep myself occupied.

I feel like I've just given up or I should just give up on so many things.