Halloween days and halloween nights

6:30pm is prime trick or treating time. the kids are taking one last look at themselves transformed before stepping out of that familiar porchlight into the night.

My halloween began at 7:00am . I did not shower, did brush my teeth, dressed myself in my short tattered black dress with a hunch back from an old pillow sewn in, a little dark makeup around the eyes, covered myself head to toe in mud, and added my perfectly homemade bone belt complete with little pouches of treasure; rib bones and dog teeth dangling, old keys jangling. I added chalomine lotion to my hair for greyness, dirt, sticks, pine needles and leaf bits. As I put bits of mud all over my arms and legs and ripped extra holes in my legging I thought about the original witches, the women who run with the wolves, the wild scary nature of powerful wise women.

It was convincing enough to make a group of 3rd graders hush in wonder as I walked up and introduced myself for their workshop at the museum this morning. I taught two lessons and wandered around the museum barefoot and crusty muddy. And when it was all over I clocked out and went to the bank, where my usual teller laughed and made me spin around to " get a good look atcha" On the way out a woman looked at me in horror, then turned to her friend and said, " oh man, I was about to say, 'what the heck happened to her?' but then remembered it's Halloween." She laughed loud as the doors closed behind me.

A friend called and said he had car trouble. Could I bring water? Yes, on the double. I went to my favorite local grocer and bought one gallon of water. As soon as I walked in the grocer recognized me, " Hey dear, getting a good start. It looks very real."

I came home feeling stinky and crusty and took the longest shower of the year, laughing at all the mud that ran off my legs and the leaf bits that floated out of my hair.

Tonight I walked around the neighborhood to see what the action was like, lots of kids, lots of my own halloween memories, and one particularly stabbing one not related to halloween at all, but of me and A. sitting in the car, just outside a recognizable house in my neighborhood , calling to see what the rent and deposit was on the available mother in law. I remember he was driving and it was near dusk, we drove all day long looking for houses and apartments, making one phone call after the next. That feels like such a very long time ago, but makes me tear up so very much. I stopped at the corner store and bought a bottle of Sapporo, to chase my tears and to remember the taste of Tokyo Garden nights in Fresno.

Tonight I have decided that I will sit in my paper and paint mess and write letters to my loved ones, who have also had challenging years of their own, sweet letters, full of love and life, from me. A good way to end the week, on this cloudy night, with the waxing crescent moon overhead.
It feels like a good place to start.

ginger snap

This year has been an exceptional one.
The other morning I had such a typical "I hate San Diego" kind of day. late for work, stuck on the freeway, missing exits and getting a little lost, dealing with so much entitlement, rush hour traffic never suited me very well. I always end up cursing everything and really feeling angry at the way we live, and how in anyone's mind can you rationalize rush hour traffic as something necessary in our lives? we NEED to sit in cars? We NEED to drive to work? and all this negative thinking made me angry at everything.
I have become increasingly disappointed in the kids I interact with lately, mostly because they are so inept at basic skills it's heartbreaking. They can't problem solve, or construct simple things and at one time I was really eager to get in there and provide these experiences where now, it's like, why bother? american society is royally fucked as a whole if kids are not given opportunities to just break things and put them back together. There seems to be a complete lack of curiosity or understanding about the world around them. I have been thinking a lot about Eustace Conway.

chamomile tea

I've started drinking more chamomile tea. I think because the mornings have been foggy and moist. ocean fog is so much different than farm valley fog, it has a different color and a different weight and moves across your skin in a thicker kind of way.

Finally settled in to my new tiny apartment; fort over the bed, hiding place for meg, all the plants in their niches, kitchen arranged in just the right tidy way.

The act of moving was so much more emotional for me than I expected, the act of physically leaving that space really packed a punch on my heart. I ended up getting frustrated and just wanting to cry or smash it all to hell. It all felt too heavy for my little body and for a good period I just wanted the ocean to wash me out, I imagined my limp body floating around like a branch of brown kelp. And that seemed so much more pleasant.


But I'm a sucker for unpacking all my treasures and making new spaces mine. For shaping new lives and new beginnings and patiently waiting for the new dreams to creep in too.

random encounters

Everything is boxed up and ready to go.
Discussion in the park with a stranger about world views.
loss as a reoccuring theme.
How do I fix the hole in my heart?
stalking something.

what is this need for new and improved?

My life is like the tide, constant accumulation then release of it all.

Another major shift.
How will having my own place change this?
What will happen when the keys leave my hands, when I take that last deep breath of a home that was once ours, when I take that first step away from it all, and into my own place.
I'm excited and sad all at once. Feels like a good day for a long bike ride to the thrift store. or maybe a movie.